Mental health interpersonal communication content

The essence of interpersonal communication under the dimension of mental health has never been about "mastering high emotional intelligence skills" or "accumulating enough high-end connections", but on the basis of guarding one's own psychological boundaries, completing emotional circulation and self-confirmation through real interactions, and ultimately achieving psychological nourishment for both parties in the relationship.； Any relationship that keeps you trapped in internal friction, no matter how "helpful" it seems, is inherently unhealthy.

I have been doing psychological counseling for almost 7 years, and I have seen too many clients who suppress their anxiety in order to maintain "good popularity." Last week, I met a girl who had just been employed for half a year. In order to build a good relationship with her colleagues, she came to the company half an hour early every day to bring breakfast to her team members, and her colleagues dumped her. I took on all the chores that came to me, and even had to help others correct their PPTs until early in the morning. In the end, not only did I fail to do well, but I was told that "good people are easy to bully". When I came for consultation, I burst into tears and said, "I have tried my best to be nice to everyone, why don't they still like me?" Don’t believe it, this is really a common misunderstanding among many people in interpersonal communication: they regard “being liked by everyone” as the ultimate goal of social interaction, but instead put their own feelings at the bottom.

Regarding the impact of interpersonal communication on mental health, the entry points of different schools of psychology are actually quite different. The school of psychoanalysis will believe that many people's attempts to please, withdraw, or be overly strong in relationships are essentially replicas of the interaction patterns between childhood and caregivers: For example, when you were a child, you could only gain your parents' attention by getting high scores and being obedient. When you grow up, you will subconsciously regard "meeting other people's expectations" as the only way to gain recognition, even if you wrong yourself. The school of positive psychology is less concerned with the causes of the past and pays more attention to current feedback: You don’t need to worry about why you want to please, as long as you feel panicked or relaxed every time you help others. If you feel frustrated every time, just refuse next time. Try twice more and the behavior pattern will naturally change. There is also a more straightforward view from the existential school: the core of a relationship is "reality." Even if you and your friends quarrel because of different opinions, it is healthier than wearing a mask to maintain superficial harmony. Only real collisions can bring real psychological support. No matter how perfect a fake relationship is, it cannot satisfy your inner needs.

Many people may have heard the word "borderline", but many people understand it as "indifferent" and "unsociable". In fact, this is not the case at all. I often tell my clients that you just need to give yourself an "emotional thermometer": when someone asks you for help or invites you to participate in an activity, your first reaction is whether you feel blocked or relaxed. If you feel blocked, just refuse directly. You don't have to make up a lot of reasons. The more you explain, the more room you have for the other party to bargain. Just like if you don't want to go to a bar, just say "I don't want to go today, let's talk next time" is enough. If you insist on saying "I have something to do at home" or "I'm not feeling well", if the other party says "Then I'll pick you up" or "I'll bring you medicine", you won't be able to get off the stage. Oh, by the way, some people ask whether introverts are not worthy of having good relationships? How can this be the case? There was a visitor who was a programmer before. He used to force himself to go to various industry wine shops to build connections. He drank until he had stomach bleeding and failed to make any real friends. Then he stopped going at all. On the weekends, he joined hiking groups according to his own preferences and chatted about routes and equipment with his colleagues. Instead, he made several friends who could help each other. He made appointments to climb mountains on weekends and introduced each other when there were resources at work. It was much more comfortable than the rigid circle before.

There is a very controversial saying on the Internet: "You must stay away from friends who always send you negative energy." There is actually a lot of disagreement on this view in the counselor circle. There is a school of counselors who believe that as long as your inner core is stable enough, occasionally taking on your friends' negative emotions is a normal part of a close relationship. Everyone has their downturns, and if your friend is in a bad mood and comes to complain to you and you just hide away, then the relationship is too plastic. But the other side’s point of view is also very reasonable: If the other party has always treated you as an exclusive emotional trash can, never willing to accept your emotions, and complains every time you come to you, and he will either ignore or change the topic when you talk about your troubles, then the relationship must be stopped in time. After all, no one has the obligation to be someone else’s emotional sewer. Both statements are correct, but the core is your own feelings: after listening to your friend's complaints, do you feel "I'm very happy that I helped him", or do you feel "His emotions dragged me down, and I couldn't recover for several days." Just choose according to your own feelings, and you don't have to follow the standards on the Internet.

In fact, unhealthy interpersonal relationships are like brand-name shoes that squeeze your feet. No matter how glamorous they look, only you will know that they will cause your feet to hurt. We don’t need to force ourselves to become social experts, nor do we need to participate in games we don’t want to go to just to fit in with the group. After all, the ultimate goal of dealing with people is never to get a “perfect social score” certificate, but to live more comfortably.