Poor emotional management

The core crux of inadequate emotional management is never "having a bad temper and being unable to control oneself", but that most people fundamentally regard "emotions" as the opposite that needs to be suppressed and eliminated. This is the fundamental reason why 90% of people repeatedly fall into the trap and never change.

I met a visitor from an Internet operations position last year. On the eve of Double 11, her event materials were designed and changed to the third version, but they still did not match the core information marked. She dropped her mouse in front of the entire department. Not only did she have to apologize across departments afterwards, her quarterly evaluation that year was directly rejected by one vote. The first thing she said when she came to me for consultation was, "I am born with poor emotional management. Will this be the case for the rest of my life?" Like most people, she regarded her emotional outbursts as a character flaw, completely unaware that she was on the wrong track from the beginning.

It's interesting to say that the current thinking on emotional intervention in the psychological field has actually been in two completely different directions. No one is right or wrong, only the people who are suitable for it. Supporters of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) believe that emotions themselves are the product of thinking. Your anger is never because "things are not done well", but because there is a problem with your interpretation of the matter: The first thought that came to her mind at the time was "The design is deliberately against me to delay the progress of my project." If you change the interpretation to "He has recently taken on 8 Double 11 projects, he is probably too busy to see my red notes", then the fire will most likely not be burned at all. The school of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) does not advocate adjusting cognition first. They believe that emotions are like springs. The more you press the spring, the higher it springs. The more you repeatedly tell yourself "Don't be angry, don't be angry," the more clearly the "angry" idea in your mind is strengthened. It is better to openly admit "I am very unhappy right now, and this is too normal." Find a corner and breathe deeply for 3 minutes, and wait for the hormone level to drop before speaking. Oh, by the way, I have a friend who works in HR who used to be obsessed with cognitive adjustment. Every time he was wronged, he would force himself to think, "My boss criticized me for my own good." He held it in for half a year and was diagnosed with thyroid nodules. Later, he switched to acceptance exercises. When he got angry, he would go to the stairwell to curse, but he never had somatization problems again.

A 2023 survey by the Department of Psychology of Beijing Normal University also supports this: 76% of adults have experienced symptoms such as insomnia and endocrine disorders due to wrong ways of suppressing emotions, and their health risks are 40% higher than those who occasionally vent their emotions reasonably. What many people call "emotional management in place" is just swallowing all their emotions and becoming sick, which is essentially another form of poor management.

I also ran into exactly the same trap when I was a project leader a few years ago. One time, a low-level bug was detected before the version was launched. I rushed into the test team and yelled at her. Later I found out that the girl in the test team had a fever of 39 degrees the day before. She had to work an all-nighter and missed a marginal scene. My curse words caused her to resign on the same day. I felt guilty for half a year. It was then that I realized that most of the moments when emotions broke out were caused by the "should thoughts" in my mind: "He should do a good job", "The project should advance at my pace", "I have spent so much energy on things and things should have good results". Once there is a deviation between reality and expectations, the emotions will not reach the level of the brain and will rush out directly.

Take the most life-like example and you will understand: you were stepped on by someone while catching the subway in the morning. Just when you were about to turn around and curse, you looked up and saw a crying toddler in his arms with two large bags of fresh food in his hand. He kept bowing to you and apologizing. Did your anger disappear instantly? It's not that your emotional management suddenly improved that day, it's that your presets about this matter instantly changed.

Nowadays, there is a more radical view on the Internet, which says that "emotions do not need to be managed at all, as long as they are seen." This kind of thinking is actually particularly suitable for highly sensitive people. Many highly sensitive people perceive surrounding emotions and changes in the environment three times faster than ordinary people. They are inherently prone to mood swings than others, so forcing themselves to "manage" them is like trying to force a flower that blooms quickly into the bud, which can lead to problems. As long as you can notice "Oh, I'm angry/grieved/irritable now" the moment you get emotional, you have actually completed 80% of the emotional processing. Even if you lose your temper in the end, it's really not a big deal as long as it doesn't cause irreversible consequences.

After all, there is really no need to label yourself as "low EQ" or "immature" just because you occasionally can't control your temper. I still dare not say that I have fully managed my emotions. Last week, I accompanied my mother to the vegetable market to buy vegetables. The stall owner claimed that he had been charged an extra three yuan. I even argued with the person for a few words. When I thought about it, I felt it was unnecessary, but I forgot about it and didn’t criticize myself harshly. After all, humans are not programmed machines. How can they be as smooth as water all the time? Those who always seem calm and relaxed have either experienced too many things and have high emotional thresholds, or you have never seen them throwing pillows behind closed doors. Rather than forcing yourself to be a perfect person with no temper, it is better to learn not to regard emotions as your enemy. Even if you can pause for 3 seconds more before each explosion, you have already defeated yourself yesterday.